Apparently, there’s an election next week. Wait, don’t run away, this is not a political post. Well, it is, but it’s not the standard robo-call, mud-slinging, fact-twisting plea to which we’ve become so accustom over the past year. It’s not a written appeal to vote for Obama and more of the same or for Romney and whatever his positions are today this morning at the moment in the first part of the sentence he’s currently saying. No, it’s not that at all.
See, once one becomes an Old Hippie, one occasionally experiences a certain…shall we say, not wisdom, but perhaps, clarity. In one of those recent Carlos Castaneda-like moments, I discovered the perfect plan to end Congressional grid-lock, to render the party-line filibuster obsolete, and most importantly, to spare us reasonably intelligent and rational thinking Joes and Janes from all the crap slung at us during election season, which now seems to begin six weeks after the last election.
The problem is rooted in the current two-party system, you see. It’s created some sort of apocalyptic yin and yang that, instead of a balancing of good and evil, positive and negative forces, has become a struggle between stupid and ignorant. This struggle, combined with the instant access technology allows and the de-evolution of actual, un-biased journalism, has produced a bevy of candidates that frequently make us want to wash our hands repeatedly after voting. Or should, anyway.
So, here’s the plan…
First, re-configure the whole Electoral College. Don’t know what that is? Don’t worry, no one really does. You’ll probably hear A LOT about it over the next week, though. From what I can tell, it’s not an actual college. Let’s make it one. Let’s round up a couple hundred of the best minds in the country—specialist in economics, foreign affairs, social issues, history, the zombie apocalypse—and then hire the duo Shovels and Rope (just because they’re the best, smartest band currently making American Roots Music…yeah, I said it Beiber, and you can tell that Swift girl the same) to oversee the whole bunch. Make it an actual college.
Then, we do away with the current method of electing our officials. Instead of people running for office (people who invariably, as a whole, tend to be former lawyers, used car salesmen, descendants of life-long politicians, sharks, or amoebas), our Senators, our Representatives, our local leaders, even our President, are selected through a blind lottery. Take everyone’s social security number, put ‘em in a hopper, give it a spin, and start drawing numbers. Everybody spends three years studying at the new Electoral College (we’ll need to ban frats and sororities at the college, and no football team, but cool Belushi-esque apparel with ELECTORAL COLLEGE printed on it will be available for everyone).
After matriculating from college (students are assessed on the T-Ball scale: everyone plays, everyone gets a trophy, and everyone graduates) and depending on the branch to which they were selected, individuals serve between two and six years in office. During that time, they collect whatever salary they had when selected, be it that of a pizza deliverer (see, English and Art majors, in this plan there is a place for you, too), mule-skinner, double-naught spy, or certified brain surgeon, and their job is held for them until they return from service. Unemployed? Not a problem, you can still suck at the teat of whatever government program might remain until your stint is done.
Sounds crazy at first, but think about. No more attack ads, no more robo-calls. We won’t have to lie to those poll surveys any more. No debates, no spin, no playing fast and loose with facts. Risky? Sure. But whose opinion on the job situation is more realistic, the guy laid-off from the Orangutan Condom Factory or a guy who received a 45 million dollar trust simply for being born? Right now, look at the person next to you. Even if they’re sitting there slack-jawed and drooling, flicking that angry bird across the screen, listening to Justin Beiber through those stupid ear buds, don’t you think that person has a better idea of how we common folks live than the bunch currently in DC?
I know, I know, but we can wish, can’t we? But who knows, maybe this idea will spread. Maybe, just maybe, some candidate will run in 2016 on this very platform. But, we have to somehow survive this election. So, do your homework, verify their platforms, conduct a little research, before you punch that ballot next Tuesday. And come next Wednesday, remember, it’s always just as Greg Lake told us it would be, “the Christmas we get, we deserve.”
Until next time, Peace!