Let Uhaul Help You Secede

This Old Hippie is confused. What’s new, right? I started seeing Facebook posts this week about twenty states petitioning to secede from the Union. I know it’s wrong to assume things, but I assume this action is a reaction to the election outcome. I make this assumption based on the Facebook “signs” and a few requests I’ve been sent. “Help Texas Seeceed.” “Sign this Petitition to let North Carolina succeed.” “Make Georgia Interdepent.”

The list I saw included twenty states: Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas. In a fit of intelligent rage, the state of Georgia filed twice.

Now let’s think about this a minute. Sure, it sounds crazy at first. Sounds like a slap in the face to what made this country such a great place, a United place. A place where “give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free,” is a metaphor that provides the foundation of the American Dream.  You know what’s not written on that poem at the Statue of Liberty? Not a single line about give us your stupid. Nope, not a word.

So, maybe it’s time to reconsider. Maybe these folks clamoring to secede are on to something. After all, it’s obvious the national mandate of No Child Left Behind has been an educational failure, but then again, maybe there was no bubble marked “the correct spelling of secede is secede” on the standardized test in those states. And who wouldn’t want to see Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina secede and form College Football Nation? Outside of that (and New Orleans) what do they really contribute? Pecans, alligators, peaches…maybe, but then there’s Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo.

As far as Texas and Florida, folks they’ve been gone for quite some time now, we may as well make it official. Give us Austin, and the Conch Republic and we’re good. Tennessee? They should be banished for what they’ve done to country music. Kentucky, if you insist you can go, but at least let the good people of the Appalachians opt out, we’d love to have them. But leave the bourbon. North Dakota and Montana? Okay, the one hundred and three white people can leave, the Crow and Sioux and Cheyenne never wanted you there anyway.

Missouri? Show me. You told Disney he had to sell beer at his little park, and how’d that work out for you? And if you must go, please take Todd Akin with you.

Et tu, New Jersey? The Boardwalk’s cool, and we all love Springsteen, Atlantic City has its seedy appeal. But Snooki? The Situation? See ya.

Michigan and Indiana? Really? Are you sure? Where will you go? They grow corn in Iowa, too, you know. And what about you Arkansas? It’s Huckabee, isn’t it? Yeah, maybe it’s best if you go. New York, Oregon…oh at this point, why not? As far as my state, North Carolina…well, give me enough time to get to Asheville. It might be full of faux hipsters, Wiccans, and weirdos, but there’s plenty of old hippies, so I’ll be right at home. And Colorado? Put down the bong, you’re not making any sense.

Nope, I don’t get it, don’t understand it at all. Grandaddy always said if you ain’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, and the way I see it, that pretty much applies in this case. As far as all these people going to all the trouble to file petitions and go through the process of secession—well, isn’t that a little hypocritical? If you really don’t want any part of this country, of our democracy, of our melting part, then why bother filling out the government forms of the very government you’re railing against? Let Uhaul help you secede. Their process is much more streamlined. Feel free to rent one of their fine trucks and secede until your angry heart is content. The rest of us got this, we’ll stand here United, differences intact, problems to overcome, but United. And we’ll move forward.

Until next time, Peace!