Let Uhaul Help You Secede

This Old Hippie is confused. What’s new, right? I started seeing Facebook posts this week about twenty states petitioning to secede from the Union. I know it’s wrong to assume things, but I assume this action is a reaction to the election outcome. I make this assumption based on the Facebook “signs” and a few requests I’ve been sent. “Help Texas Seeceed.” “Sign this Petitition to let North Carolina succeed.” “Make Georgia Interdepent.”

The list I saw included twenty states: Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas. In a fit of intelligent rage, the state of Georgia filed twice.

Now let’s think about this a minute. Sure, it sounds crazy at first. Sounds like a slap in the face to what made this country such a great place, a United place. A place where “give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free,” is a metaphor that provides the foundation of the American Dream.  You know what’s not written on that poem at the Statue of Liberty? Not a single line about give us your stupid. Nope, not a word.

So, maybe it’s time to reconsider. Maybe these folks clamoring to secede are on to something. After all, it’s obvious the national mandate of No Child Left Behind has been an educational failure, but then again, maybe there was no bubble marked “the correct spelling of secede is secede” on the standardized test in those states. And who wouldn’t want to see Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina secede and form College Football Nation? Outside of that (and New Orleans) what do they really contribute? Pecans, alligators, peaches…maybe, but then there’s Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo.

As far as Texas and Florida, folks they’ve been gone for quite some time now, we may as well make it official. Give us Austin, and the Conch Republic and we’re good. Tennessee? They should be banished for what they’ve done to country music. Kentucky, if you insist you can go, but at least let the good people of the Appalachians opt out, we’d love to have them. But leave the bourbon. North Dakota and Montana? Okay, the one hundred and three white people can leave, the Crow and Sioux and Cheyenne never wanted you there anyway.

Missouri? Show me. You told Disney he had to sell beer at his little park, and how’d that work out for you? And if you must go, please take Todd Akin with you.

Et tu, New Jersey? The Boardwalk’s cool, and we all love Springsteen, Atlantic City has its seedy appeal. But Snooki? The Situation? See ya.

Michigan and Indiana? Really? Are you sure? Where will you go? They grow corn in Iowa, too, you know. And what about you Arkansas? It’s Huckabee, isn’t it? Yeah, maybe it’s best if you go. New York, Oregon…oh at this point, why not? As far as my state, North Carolina…well, give me enough time to get to Asheville. It might be full of faux hipsters, Wiccans, and weirdos, but there’s plenty of old hippies, so I’ll be right at home. And Colorado? Put down the bong, you’re not making any sense.

Nope, I don’t get it, don’t understand it at all. Grandaddy always said if you ain’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, and the way I see it, that pretty much applies in this case. As far as all these people going to all the trouble to file petitions and go through the process of secession—well, isn’t that a little hypocritical? If you really don’t want any part of this country, of our democracy, of our melting part, then why bother filling out the government forms of the very government you’re railing against? Let Uhaul help you secede. Their process is much more streamlined. Feel free to rent one of their fine trucks and secede until your angry heart is content. The rest of us got this, we’ll stand here United, differences intact, problems to overcome, but United. And we’ll move forward.

Until next time, Peace!


22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. harperfrommonroe
    Nov 18, 2012 @ 01:40:46

    There ARE two Americas now – the land of the founding fathers and the land of the “47%”. Sad but true.


  2. VJ Hamilton (@MavisMaven)
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 18:02:30

    I thought I heard something crazy in my ears when I heard of this secession plan. Thought it might have been a twisted joke to celebrate the 150th (?) anniversary of the Civil War. I want Kentucky to leave the bourbon and the Derby. Are there really lots of Wiccans and other weirdos in Asheville? If so, I’m down with y’all!


  3. rachel
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 15:13:21

    will we have to go through this every 4 years from whichever side loses? didn’t we just count these people?


    • Kevin Winchester
      Nov 16, 2012 @ 15:23:49

      Friend of mine is convinced the only fair way to elect a President is through a good, old-fashioned duel. His theory makes some sense: a duel will accurately reflect America’s passion for violence, and the two parties can still select their “best” candidate. It eliminates the need to all those political ads and robo-calls, the loser won’t be around to complain, and best of all, we’ll know whoever is running believes in their plan (and their marksmanship).


  4. cortezsharkman
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 10:49:03

    Many of those states have the highest percentage of people on government programs than the rest of the copuntry…so..what does that tell you? Great post!


    • Kevin Winchester
      Nov 16, 2012 @ 12:59:12

      Thank you, and… Thank You! I live in one of those states. Some of the folks I know screaming the loudest, are screaming while standing in line with their hand out… Didn’t Forest Gump say “you can’t fix stupid?” Glad you enjoyed the post!


      • cortezsharkman
        Nov 17, 2012 @ 16:20:11

        Hmmm. . . didn’t Ron White say that?? (Blue Collar Comedy)

      • Kevin Winchester
        Nov 17, 2012 @ 19:03:04

        You are absolutely correct! Thanks for pointing it out. I poked around on the innernet…turns out Ron White said “you can’t fix stupid.” Forest Gump said “stupid is as stupid does.” Both of which apply in this case…

  5. The Green Study
    Nov 16, 2012 @ 00:08:38

    Am I a bad American, if I wouldn’t mind letting a few of these states go?


    • Kevin Winchester
      Nov 16, 2012 @ 12:56:40

      Not in my opinion. It’s a reflection of Darwin’s theory, really. Most think that evolution means survival of the fittest. That’s not really what Darwin implied. Evolution really suggests that the one most able to adapt to change is the one most likely to survive. So yeah, those not able to adapt will eventually go the way of the unicorn. Letting a few go is a show of mercy…


      • The Green Study
        Nov 16, 2012 @ 13:01:11

        Perfect application of Darwin! Listening to the sore losers really demonstrates how little they understand their own role and responsibility in the latest turn of events. I think that’s part of adaptability – being able to admit to and examine your own mistakes and then learning from them. If Romney’s message to his donors was any indicator, there is a painfully long learning curve for the GOP, even more so for secession advocates. Loved this post, by the way.

      • Kevin Winchester
        Nov 16, 2012 @ 13:29:33

        Thanks…and I agree, a long, long learning curve awaits.

  6. pouringmyartout
    Nov 15, 2012 @ 22:33:37

    Freekin’ awesome. If the South rises again, our border will be secure except for rednecks trying to swim the Mason Dixon line to get jobs. And all the people I like will still be here. We can still trade with the south, and even visit once they cool off. And by then they will really need our money.


  7. mariacatalinaegan
    Nov 15, 2012 @ 22:20:02

    I saw this yesterday on CNN and I thought it was just Texas. Very well said Kevin it is funny, but it is also very sad. UNITED we stand ….divided…well you all know.


    • Kevin Winchester
      Nov 15, 2012 @ 22:55:28

      Yes, unfortunately it is sad. Texas had the required numbers within hours after starting the petition. I’ve heard that all fifty states now have someone (or group) who’s trying to get enough signatures to file the petition, but so far I’ve only heard of these twenty being “official” with the signatures.


  8. eyewrock
    Nov 15, 2012 @ 21:57:04

    Well said, Kevin. Hilarious and true.


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